Monday, November 13, 2017
On October 18th, 2017, a Wednesday, Zenzi attacked Dolce for being in the kitchen. Zenzi's neurological aggression issues have been worsening over time, despite all the training and medications I could provide her. When Dolce's bite turned out to require surgery and a drain, I made the gut-wrenching decision to put Zenzi down.
Zenzi reacted to sprinklers, dogs outside, the sound of the poop station lid slamming outside, animals on TV, food being nearby -- and she always redirected onto Dolce, or else "killed" a toy. She'd never done serious damage, a nip on the ear here, and scrape there. So I told myself it wasn't really that bad, I didn't need to consider rehoming her or euthanasia. But when she attacked Dolce for being in the kitchen, and she wasn't even in the kitchen, I knew it was time.
I considered waiting to place her with my parents, people she knows and loves, who could take her when their dog passes. But they have family and children come over on a regular basis, and that wouldn't be possible with Zenzi in the house. They would likely give that up for her, but I highly suspected she'd find something else to redirect on, and didn't want to risk it being one of them. Experienced dog people as they are, she was a lot to handle, even for me, a professional. I always knew I could never rehome her outside the family. She was so attached to me, I knew that she would rather die than start a new life with strangers in a strange place. Her mind wasn't built for that.
So the kindest thing to do was to end her suffering. There was definitely a chemical imbalance in her brain, perhaps from an invisible tumor, and she didn't like being on red alert all the time, reacting to things, and becoming so aggressive. I arranged for some sedatives to take her to the vet that evening. As much as I prefer an in-home euthanasia, that would have made Zenzi FURIOUS. That's not how I wanted her last moments to be.
I spent ALL DAY spoiling her rotten. Trail walk, ball play in the field, trail walk again -- just us, exactly how she liked it.
View on Instagram.
I ended the evening walking her in the eucalyptus forest and giving her the pills. Once those were taking effect, we went to the vet. I gave her 2, because I knew 1 wouldn't cut it. When we arrived, she should have been asleep, but instead, she was just "drunk." When he gave her the first shot, he had to come back and check on us 3 times. Definitely something chemically wrong with her brain that she lasted as long as she did. "She shouldn't even be blinking right now, let alone worried about me." the vet said after the 2nd check, when Zenzi bark/growled at him. She had some twitches, and I worried she was having a seizure. Finally, she experienced some peace. Her tongue was lolligagging out of her mouth, her expression completely relaxed. I'd never seen her so at peace. She just drifted away when he gave her the last shot.
I felt her all day the next day, saw her in my dreams the night before, saw her when I closed my eyes. I ended up impromptu collecting her ashes when I brought Dolce in to have his stitches removed. It all wrapped up so very neatly.
Rest in peace, my panda tutu puppy. You can guard me as my angel now, sweetheart. Always know you were a GOOD DOG. My heart breaks, but I love you forever. Until we meet again... wait for me at the rainbow bridge.